Pendulum Of Peace

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Therapeutic Counselling & Supervision  Doncaster

It will be difficult to make sense of the death of your Child, Counselling is a safe place for you to explore confusion, disorientation and pain you will be experiencing and to gain skilled support. 

If you feel you may benefit from support as you negotiate your healing path please contact me to make an appointment for an intitial session to discuss your needs.


"What's Normal following the death of a child"?

 Anything and everything you feel is normal following the death of your Child.  You won't have experienced such a devestating loss before so how do you know how you are 'supposed' to feel?  How you are 'supposed' to behave or how you are 'supossed to think?  No one can possible know what the loss of the most precious person from your life through death.  The death of a Child is not in the natural order of things as we know them.  The loss of a Child through death is alien to everyone.

No parent is prepared for the death of a Child even when your Child has been painfully and seriously ill before death.







So what is normal after your child died?
Normal is:
  • Thinking and knowing you will never get over the loss of your Child.
  • Grief may hit you like waves ebbing and flowing over you with no warning.
  • A sense of loss of your innocence and loss of any future hopes dreams and potential.
  • Normal is feeling confused, disorientated or numb or all three not able to make any sense from the death of your Child whatsoever; questioning will I survive?
  • Reliving your Childs illness or accident and moments leading up to and the moment of death over and over in detail through your mind’s eye like a video on repeat.
  • Normal is holding your head, rocking or whispering to yourself hoping it’s not true or wishing it will go away or ignoring it altogether denying the death ever happened.
  • Normal is turning the radio, TV or CD player on as soon as you return home because you can’t deal with the thunderous silence.
  • Feeling like you can’t listen, sit or stay still in one place for another second without wanting to scream because you can’t seem to sit through anything.
  • Normal is being too tired to care if you’ve cleaned the house, done the washing or food shop, not eating, can’t swallow or your food seems to get stuck when eating.
  • Feeling anxious, restless, fidgety, tapping fingers, sighing, crying every day, life feels meaningless, no reason to get up in a morning, not being able to invest in living/life.
  • Normal is not sleeping because you have all those ‘what if’s’ and ‘why didn’t Is’ racing through your mind the second you shut your eyes lids.
  • Seeing flashers of your Childs physical manifestation out of the corner of your eye in the house or seeing them in the street, shop or park.
  • Normal is staring at other Children who look like, sound or behaves like your Child and then thinking of what your Child would look like, what they would be doing; then catching yourself wondering why you’re even thinking it because on some emotional level you know it can’t ever happen.
  • Normal is leaving their bedroom exactly as it was the last time they were in it, going into the room and sitting, touching, smelling their possessions to feel closer to them.
  • Or leaving their bedroom exactly as it was using it like a shrine to your Child.
  • Normal is having tears waiting to fall when you realise there is someone important missing in your daily and family routines and missing from all important events, one less place to set at the breakfast table can take a long time to get used too; if ever.
  • Normal is not being able to engage in activities which were once a pleasure for you because it’s impossible to enjoy yourself knowing your Child is not able to enjoy too.
  • Normal is feeling that dense thud in your chest the hole in your heart feels physically painful almost like a throbbing toothache you can’t move away from, and it hurts, sometimes to the point of feeling sick.
  • Feeling sad turning away when you see pregnant Mothers or families playing happily or the opposite wanting to get ‘over’ involved with them and the new baby.
  • Normal is asking God why he took your Child instead of you even after you’d begged him/her to take you instead of your Child with all your strength and might, asking if there is a God, being angry at God and blaming God for your Childs death.
  • Not listening to or becoming angry with people who offer God’s reasons for taking your Child, turning away from God
  • Normal is also the opposite of the above and turning to God for comfort.
  • When you go shopping feeling warmed by seeing something you would buy your Child but getting that sinking feeling because you remember there’s no point in buying it because s/he is not here to enjoy it.
  • Normal is feeling and being sad or depressed, impatient, angry, irritable, frantic, panicky, stuck, guilty, feeling alone, lonely, isolated.Angry at life itself because it life goes on regardless and life moves on.
  • Martial or intimate relationship issues that were there before your Child died may worsen or you may blame your spouse or partner, words we say in anger may impact our relationships and be life long.
  • Normal is talking about the death of your Child to others as if it were an every day event then seeing the others reaction at how terrible it sounds but realising it is now part of your new normal and the only topic of your conversation.
  • Becoming hurt when others don’t or stop listening to you or change the subject because they don’t know what to say or even become embarrassed.
  • Getting angry or not listening to others when they compare death of a parent or friend or even a pet to the death of your Child saying “I know exactly how you feel”. Nothing can or does or ever will compare for you this is the worst thing that could and has happened to you other than your own death.
  • Wishing and wanting or even longing to die yourself being angry because you are still here breathing
  • Normal is living on ‘automatic pilot’ doing but sat in a vacuum at the same time.
  • Stress related health problems can develop or existence health issues worsen; you may have a feeling of impending doom.
  • Normal is throwing yourself into work keeping busy; you may engage in many activities to keep busy.
  • Going to new places or on holiday and having a conversation with strangers deliberating whether to include talk about your dead Child or include them in the overall number of children you have.Or not mentioning you are a grieving parent.
  • Normal is turning to alcohol for a short time to numb feelings or block your grief or to cope; any emotional or mental issues that were there before your Child died may now worsen.(In the long term alcohol can become a problem in itself if we’re not mindful to how we use it).
  • Normal is having lots of photos about of your Child and so is the opposite not being able to look at any photos.
  • Visiting the grave or crematorium everyday and wanting to stay by their side.
  • Normal is being preoccupied and not knowing what it is you are preoccupied with or being consumed by grief and not knowing how to get through.
  • Normal is catching yourself smiling or feeling happy but you may feel disloyal, surrendering your grief may feel like you are disconnecting from your Child somehow thus permitting happiness or pleasure of going on with life may feel very threatening.
  • Experiencing extremes and or intense feelings which overwhelm you in a heartbeat and may be gone in the next breath ...don’t forget to breath!
  • Catching yourself doing, feeling, thinking all of the above months, years from the death of your Child and thinking, feeling you have not gotten very far at all and never will.
  • Normal is thinking that you do not have a future at all – It may be a shock to you to even think YOU DO.


THIS IS A VERY LONG LIST BUT IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCING ANY OR ALL OF THESE THEY ARE ALL NORMAL, YOU ARE NORMAL!

 YOU MAY ADD YOUR OWN 'NORMAL TO!


  1. Managing Director
  2. Managing Director
  3. Managing Director
This circle of Love

We sit in this circle
To continue making some sense
Of our sorrow and heartache
That will never be spent

This grief that none of us
Would wish upon another
To meet .... 

Dare I even whisper?
What we all know
A circle of life complete

The shock and the pain
Causes me to be inside myself
Lost a part of me that contained
My precious you

Yet the bond we have with our
Precious ones forever to hold
Is Love ...

With love we can go forward
So the Spirit and essence of our Child
 Lives on in us and through us

So as we sit in this circle
Let each of us re-member
Our precious Child
 Time past becomes times present
To times future
Because the circle of love
Never dies....
Susan Stubbings 2015
Sadly, we can’t control what happened - fighting against what happened won’t change it and will use all your energy and lead to suffering.   What we can do is take control of the days ahead by prepared and planning what and how you will spend the time.

The first thing to do if you haven’t already is preparing and create a ‘coping tool box’.  A coping toolbox is a place where you keep things which can help support and calm you down in times of anxiety and distress this benefits you by:

  • Having all your personal tools in one place.
  • Your tools are easy to find without having to think about where you put this or that.
  • So you can have them to hand quickly when you need them the most.
  • It’s easier to remember to use them; your chosen tools will focus your mind, body and spirit thus avoid negative behaviours such as turning to alcohol.


Suggestions to include in a coping toolbox:
  • Affirmations cards containing quote and phrases that really speak to you make your own or write inspirational quotes on index cards to re-read for a boost of motivation.
  • Thank you cards or cards from loved ones or colleagues with encouraging messages.
  • Crosswords, word search or Sudoku to focus your thoughts onto something else.
  • An IPod or MP3 player with earphones and pre-loaded music which relaxes you.
  • A meditation or relaxation CD to slow your thoughts, feelings and body.
  • A CD from an inspirational speaker for example Wayne Dyer or Eckhart Tolle “The power of Now”
  • A movie from your childhood one which affirms and validates your strengths Wizard of OZ does it for me every time.
  • A visualization CD to transport you to a stress free place.
  • A humorous DVD of your favourite comedian or film.
  • Crystals or Healing stones something to touch, ground you back into the here and now.
  • A notebook or journal to write out your feelings and thoughts.
  • A lavender bag or a handkerchief and aromatherapy oil to awaken your sense of smell.
  • A bottle of bubbles to blow your stress away and to slow your breathing.
  • Books to read make them easy such as little book of calm, confidence, and poems or from inspirational speakers Ram Das or Susan Jeffers or anyone who speaks to your inner You or make your own.
  • A set of colouring pencils, felt tips, chalks paper and/or a pre-printed colouring book or just doodle your anxiety onto a sheet of paper this will focus you and slow you down.
  • Fill a hot water bottle to hug close to your chest or a stuffed toy or hug a cushion.
  • Scented candles, incest sticks (and holder) scented soaps or favourite aftershave, perfume or bath bomb.
  • A stress ball, a Velcro dart board so you can expel your energy throwing the ball/darts.
  • A small bar of chocolate or packet of marshmallow, mints to awaken taste buds.
  • Your aim is to have a box full of things you can go to a quiet place with to look through which speak to you personally and help calm you down; this will bring your focus back to the here and now thus focusing and calming your adrenal glands, comforting yourself. Bringing you back to being the master of your anxiety so your nerves are not the master of you. Include something to hear, see, smell, taste, touch (feel) and of course not forgetting your inner spirit; awakening all your senses.
God (Inner wisdom)
Grant me the serenity
To accept
The things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things
I can change
And wisdom
To know the difference.


'Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal' - Anon

If you feel you may benefit from support as you negotiate your healing path please contact me to make an appointment for an intitial session to discuss your needs.


Picture are taken from Pixabay and can be found https://pixabay.com/



Susan Stubbings Doncaster