How does the Narc snare his victims and trauma bond them?


Here you'll find the
Music of the

The behaviour used to abuse

The Narcissist is the perpetual smooth operator who floats, glides, flows and devours with absolute precision; think of the narcissist as the dog who sits waiting for the opportunity to jump up onto the chair arm when you are eating a snack. Just as your attention is away from the plate the greedy dog seeing its opportunity jumps up and devours everything on the plate; then looks at you with those big puppy eyes and it difficult to be annoyed with him for long. however, the dog did not set the table nor provided the food for the plate; it is an animal who doesn't know any better, all the dog wants is to eat.  It doesn't have feelings for the person who prepared the snack, laid the plates out and put all the effort into fetching, cooking and putting food on the table, the dog does not have feeling on what it is doing or how its behaviour impacts upon another.  

Action speaks louder than words! 


Related articles


Trauma Bonds
Be clear Narcissism is a personality disorder the Narc won't be able to change self


Also be clear it is literally you or him!

The Narcissist is rather like the out of control dog consuming what is not theirs; everything s/he does is underpinned by waiting to pounce, conniving, calculating and manipulating, rather like the dog watching waiting to take its chance at the 'forbidden' food.  The Narcissist however, unlike the dog set their own place at the table and everyone else's as they suck them all into the games. Narcissists are like well-oiled engines with all pistons firing at the same time to make the engine move, the engine of a Narcissist like a tank in manoeuvres in the dark with high explosive war heads.  The target in this case however is you the victim a person with a heart and soul not an empty vessel, the Narcissist fills you with fear, runs you over, flattens you with operational mobility tactics sat in an armoured fighting vehicle.  S/he is offensive and defensive on the rampage rather like an angry teenager but won't look or present self as an angry teenager in the throes of a turbulent transition they will be a grown man or woman who are charmers, charming, well mannered, charismatic, dynamic and above all loving until they snare you in their caterpillar tyres you're going round and round on their battlefield clinging on to a mere existance because life has been sucked dry. In his mine- field you will never develop into the beautiful butterfly you are meant to be!
You can heal from all these lies! 


The Scientist

How does the Narcissist hook victims? - By all the tactics which follow (and more). Some of these dynamic are part of human relationships and are not necessarily unhealthy but if you have a partner, spouse, lover, friend or colleague who deploys a lot of these tactics a lot of the time, they and you have a problem here and now.  Be clear the Narcissist will divide and conquer, secrets will be rife but you won't know he has secrets with others only that you will have a secret between the two of you and maybe the secret if told will affect your reputation or embarrass you and cause stress if it was told.  Be clear the Narcissist has set the ' secret ' up to ensure your silence!  Secrets speak to his rhythm because secrets are powerful they bond people to each other and for the Narc it is his supreme weapon of controlling you.  Be clear you are dealing with a totally despicable person one that will not and cannot change.  He may even say "I will tell, if you want me to spread the pain" (reverse psychology) and of course you as a loving person do not want your worst enemy to feel the pain you are feeling!  However, the Narcissist is your worst enemy he has set the pace, the timing of the relationship and you will be dancing to his tune today, tomorrow next week, next year right until he's had enough of you!
You can heal! 


Lovebombing - is how the Narc gets your attention and asserts their control over you, as they shower you with compliments, praise, they are funny and fun to be around, relaxed whilst creating an atmosphere of safety right from the get go. They use their charm which feels warm and attractive, the gentleman opening doors for you, holding your coat or a lady fluttering her eye lashers and acting all coy!  It feels wonderful and it would be if the intention behind it is to offer you love and affection; however, this is not the intention of the unhealthy Narc who love-bombs to seduce, influence and capture.  You will be communicating through text, WhatsApp or email every day and this will feel like the love of your life, as they mirror your Soul. Like a whirlwind infiltrating every cell of your body, so it must be love right?  We feel its love, we believe its love because we don't know it by any other name. It sure does feel right and good. That's exactly what the Narc wants you to believe. Rushing intimacy because he is so in love with you and you are in love with him, sex is the natural step to expressing love.  It is also the deepest way to bond with another.  They Idolize you into submission your head is spinning in dizzy heights of 'falling in love' but its all false a fantasy, infactuation not real love developing on the Narcs part since they can't feel love so they perform like a world class actor!  Later they will use this against you saying you 'trapped' him into submission.

Be aware of any one rushing intimacy


Careless Whisper

Mirror mirror on the wall - During lovebombing the Narc will mirror all your mannerisms, body language, s/he will be expressing the same beliefs, values  desires and wishes.  Which will have  now become 'our' instead of 'my' 'we' rather than 'I'.  You and me against the world.   He is adapt at active listening and mirroring what he has heard back to you.  He will have listened for the chink in your armour gathering information about your weaknesses, childhood history and vulnerabilities.  Whilst if you listened with the same intensity the Narc will not have offered you much in the way of his life, his beliefs or history.  He will have offered you just enough to keep you interested, that is he is successful, secure and safe.  He will have offered you information on any traumatic events in his life and we think he is the same as us.  BUT he's only offering you enough to be able to use those same traumatic events later to manipulate, evoke the pity party and guilt trip you to feeling ashamed you challenged him.  He will want close intimacy sexually and emotionally with you but he won't be the same way back. The Narc's ethics and morals will be second to none.  A few weeks into the relationship the Narc will know all your fears and insecurities and will start using them.   He doesn't 'do' commitment and is incapable of real intimacy with you or anybody.  He wants what you have because he is incapable of any real feelings so he feels vicarously through others.
Be aware of anyone to good to be true.


You can heal! 


Stars Are Blind

Future Faking - One of the strongest weapons in his arsenal is future faking it keeps you 'there' in the present.  Lies, lies by omission and more lies they roll of his tongue like a well-oiled dip stick.  The lies always speak to our hearts deepest desires and needs so with a promise of these being fulfilled by the Narc we swoon. He instills hope in us only to drop us from the greatest height.  We've found our Soul-mate even if s/he is married or in a long term relationship already,  surley they will leave that partner now since they love you with their soul!  Of course we don't know their soul is not pink and rosy, we assume it is because we don't really know any different but be clear the heart of a Narcissist is black and full of thorns.  Like Rumplestiltskin promises with no means or intention of fullfilling what is intimated at or the vision he's created for you to  imagine.  i.e he will say stuff like "you'll make a fab wife", "when we" or "when you start to learn to drive. I'll come over and take you for a lesson".  'Forever' is implied, suggested the together future is always on the horizon, its so close you can see the vista right in front of your eyes as they say  "in the future", "never say never"!  They take away our drive, direction, steal our motivation.  The future we had in mind for ourself is now none existant as we mistake his lust for power for love .  We assume when he implies, suggests and offers something in the future that his vision is the same as ours.  Be clear it is not, he is faking it, the greatest pretender of all time in order to manipulate and get what he wants in the here and now he hasn't got any future with you in mind once he's sucked you dry he will discard you after he's caused you as much pain as he can!      He's a star we're blind.

Be aware of inconsistancies in word and action.

You can heal! 


 I Am I Said

 Managing down Expectation Over time the Narc will train you to expect less and less within the relationship this is known as 'Managing Down Expectations' and it will begin more or less at the same time as future faking right after lovebombing and mirroring but we can't see it because we are in love since love is blind! He knows this,  S/he has pushed all your boundaries away in the loveboming, mirroring and future faking stages.  He's set you up to think of a future with him and only with him so you can carry on adoring him.  But its all false! He's manipulating you where once he manipulated you to accept everything is possible he now changes the goal posts and starts to draw the relationship boundaries back in.  The puppet master who tells you, you don't want that or you don't need something.  If you want sex he will use this against you and not offer sex as punishment but blames you.  If you don't want sex he will go all out to have sex with you disparaging you for not 'wanting' him. 

 Either way you are punished, dammed if you do and dammed if you don't.  He will have you jumping through hoops his hoops!  If he was ringing every day he now only rings every other day and the days will get longer inbetween until he is only ringing once a month or less.  If he was emailing daily he will begin by only emailing 3/4 times a week and the time inbetween will lengthen slowly but surly. He will be promising to do something which never materializes.  Everything he offered you will slowly be withdrawn, he will be forever 'busy' to busy to text, whatsapp, email or converse.  It takes a few second to text, where once he will be texting morning, noon and night he will not now have time to text more than once a week. He's blowing hot and cold more often and he disappoints more when you want something from him he's not available or busy.  He may make arrangements then cancel at the last min with some excuse.  He will offer to see you on a day when he knows you are not available. He manages down what we expect from him.  Be clear when hes doing this to you he is setting up his next target and energy is pumped into the new source whilst he cools off from you but offers just enough to keep you hooked and there if he wants when he wants.  He doses you whilst he lovebombs idolises his next source.  Narcisists can't be without anyone so they are forever idolising, devaluing and discarding, in case one of his sources get on to him or he's sucked everything outta of them then you will be no use to him.

You can heal! 

Sound of the Underground

Gaslighting - One of the cruellest manipulating tactics the Narc uses is gaslighting.  He lies through his teeth, denies how something happened, he rewrites your history together. He tells you what you think and feel, i.e " you don't mean that" he enlists family and friends to collude with him, he finishes your sentance when with others and underminds you, tells others in front of you that "she has to work harder because she's not as intelligent as the rest.  So you as his target, questions your memory, perceptions, thoughts, feelings and sanity.  He instills self-doubt to suit his needs and wants.  As the Narc manipulates the truth he may say something like "what is 'truth' anyway"?  When you protest this is not how it was or call him on his lies.  He is adamant, like a dog with a bone he won't let go no matter what you do or say.  He will call black white and next time around white will have become black.  Now all of a sudden the Narc has selective hearing, selective memory recall and offers the exact opposite of what he offered before.  This is to disorientate and psychologically manipulate his victim.  Whilst you are busy trying to figure out if you are going crazy or if you've lost your mind.  The Narc is deliberately trying to destroy your perception of reality.

 YES HE IS -  he actually does this.   He’s sabotaging any effort you put in to mend the relationship because of course it’s perfect for him so it doesn't need any fixing, rescuing, or mending.  You might say something wasn't that way and he may say "the world according to  'susan' (insert your name) its not all about you"!  Of course your world is according to you that's how it should be we live our life according to our beliefs, values, ethics an internal locus of evaluation.  Of course this is exactly what he resents because his world is sucked in from everyone and everthing external since he's a black hole in his centre!  Gaslighting is serious exploitation  working at its peak to emotionally abuse you.  It erodes as it eats away at your perception of reality slowly but surely, your boundaries word by word action by action are annihilated since he doesn't recognise you are a separate being.  He believes you are an extension, a clone of him,you exist to meet his needs.  Whilst he manages down your expectations his expectations of you are high in that you WILL fulfil his every whim. Gaslighting is emotional abuse at its best it disorientates, confuses, makes you edgy, you might feel you are 'losing it', you find difficulty in making decisions and no longer trust your own judgement.  You no longer feel good enough, minimised, you second guess yourself a lot!  You are broken down he is fifty shades of the sinister side of life.
You can heal! 


Here I AM

Egotistical -  He soon gets bored and needs 'NEW' all the time, this might be the latest technology, always changing his surroundings decorating, new furniture when what he already has is good enough.  He will also need new supply from other victims and he's scouting for new at all times.  He is also very sensitive to any questioning or criticism constructive or otherwise since he is right at all times, so why you have a need to question his behaviour or question what he says is beyond him.  He can't control you if you are questioning him this is another way he manages down your expectations by causing an argument when you question him so you stop questioning not only him but you stop questioning altogether because it seems to cause such conflict!  Of course to a rational thinking human being questioning is how we grow, develop and learn.  The Narc doesn’t want anything to do with growth, learning or development unless it gives him knowledge on how to manipulate.  NEVER FORGET ITS ALL ABOUT HIM never you although he will say it is all about you.  He may even say “I thought I’d ring you since you are good for my ego” he is that arrogant, because he feels safe in the fact that he knows his game and you don't so he can be very blatant and as he's relishing in the fact he knows and you don't, he has his own personal secret going on all the time on repeat like a broken record at all times so he smiles smuggly to himself.  As he suckes his victims in we oblige as we admire, praise, affirm him like a faithful puppy.  He however has manipulated how the conversation will go so his ego is well fed.  If you reflect upon conversations with your Narc over time you will see the pattern, he hardly every asks you about you, your day or your health, when he does it will be well calculated to ensure he keeps you hooked, (dosing) the overall focus of course will have and will be on him.  He will have magical thinking seeing self as perfect, he feels entitled to have what he wants, when he wants and from who he wants.  The Narcissist creates a "new normal" which has  set the cycle of abuse "Idolize, Devalue and Discard".  He will expect you to read his mind but of course no one can read anothers mind, we can read others behaviour that is all we can do but since he is so inconsistant in word and deed we can't ever get any stability within a relationship with a Narcissist.

You can heal! 



Silent Treatment - The silent treatment is given to punish you for something you probably don't even know about, being ignored by someone you love cuts to your bones and into your Soul to be ignored and abandonded by the person you love Is the most destructive withdrawal in any relationship.  It demoralize, controls, punishes, frustrates, disempowers the person on the receiving end,  It is cold, calculating and evokes intense emotions in the non-narcissist partner who may feel invisible, alone, lonley, unworthy, guilty, shamed, ashamed, rejected and abandoned. This is the Narc at their most  infantile the child who sulks, the child who takes his ball home, the girl who says I'll scream and scream and scream until I am sick or pulls your hair and says I won't I won't I won't.  To the Narc silence is golden but to the receiver it is anything but it feels like hell on earth.  Their vile thunderous angry silence cuts through our very being with vengeful intimidation. This is how the Narc 'Murders our Soul" bringing us to the nothingness which they are.  They can't be anything else so they want us to be in the same boat as them!  Its horrible for both isn't it ... But you can be more than nothing!

The Narc is avoiding whilst feeding on your painful emotions which s/he evokes by their behaviour, it is the ultimate in denial and avoidance and it evokes a great deal of pain.  He's trying to break you with this weapon of destruction through emotional abuse.  He is teaching you a lesson only he knows you need, he is teaching you to get stressed to the max in a nano second and he keeps it up to ensure your stress is raised and stays raised so he can revel in your misery.  Punishing you for needing anything; what he is really teaching you is that your needs are insignificant and of course secondary to his,  you didn't ought to have any needs because he will punish you when you do.  When he's delivering the silent treatment you simply do not exist in his world, you are invisible, he is punishing you with silence making you feel worthless, hopeless and unworthy of love or affection. This is also another way to manage down your expectations of the relationship.  Don't expect anything from him because if you do you will be punished.  Silent treatment is cruel, cold  disempowering, lonely, designed to make you frozen and afraid as he's one up and you are one down and that's exactly where he wants you down, depressed, anxious so when he returns you will forgive him anything because you are so relieved he's acknowledging your existance you will do anything for him not to repeat the silence but he will no matter what you do or don't do since it his pièce de résistance!
You can heal! 


Chasing Cars

Reverse psychology - The Gentleman doth protest too much" - What he says he wants and what he doesn't want is reversed if he wants that supervisory position, the new car, the management position, power or control what he will say is he doesn't want that position, power or control, its too much trouble or it will take a lot of time up.  He will relish as others encourage him to take that position saying "you're the best man for the job" he will be laying it on even thicker "I don't think I can do it".    When he says he doesn't want "anything to do with power, power has never done me any good" don't believe him.  We all need our own power and control which is authentic for us to survive.  The more he says he doesn't want something the more he wants it especially if it's a powerful position he will be working away with his manipulation to get it; using all the tools in his arsenal and we are manipulated into helping him get it whilst he clambers over everyone's back to get where he wants to be.  If you've being in the job role or charity position for years no matter if s/he wants that position they will get you out and blame you for everything you hurt for, he'll say you brought it on yourself.  BUT he will have manipulated you and everyone (flying monkeys) around you so he gets his own way, he will be pointing out everyone else's weaknesses to justify his behaviour to himself and everyone else.   If you don't agree with him then he will launch a smear campaign against you saying you are a collaborator  of the one he's trying to oust.  His goal is to obtain the position of power because this is the best seat in the house where he can control everything and everyone around him.  Whilst he smiles and is significant smug inside himself for a job well done.  He may even say "I can't love anybody" and that will be so alien to someone who is loving, caring and affectionate because you can't even begin to believe that anyone 'can't actually love .... BUT be clear a Narcissist is incapable of love, fairness or equality of any form.  Like a 'groupie' of a band we are transfixed by their charisma, their Mr Nice Guy stance, their public persona, but under their mask we are under their wing in a trance. This is perhaps the 'why' cult leaders 'take in' their followers!   But be clear not all Narcissists are as open as to built a separate cult they live, work and breath amongst us and manipulate away ... rather think globally but act locally! 

Sounds rather farfetched don't just believe me reflect on your own relationships and 'see' possibilities not probabilities.

You can heal! 


When Doves Cry

Double standards & Double Meaning - 'One man's trash is another man's treasure'! - The Narc will have double standards a set of rules for him and one for you as his victim.  What he expects of you is not what he does, what he says and how he behaves.  Do as I say and not what I do, is his motto.  He will not be the same with you in private as he is when you are in public or within a group and may even ignore you altogether if you appear in the same group as each other.  If you protest he will say something like "if you wanted to talk to me then why didn't you?"  Notice he will question you but offer no answer to your questions or answer your question with a question.  He will 'shout' about his/her high morals and ethics in public but in private will break every single one of them.  He will impress upon everyone his high moral standards and transparency in public to 'keep the image' of the righteous and upstanding citizen he wants us all to see him as.  Whilst in private with his victims whilst 'demanding' your transparancy he will act the opposite and may even say "I don't care" of course he has shouted about his moral high standards for so long that his "I don't care is laughed off as him being a bit frivolous or being a bit naughty in the moment only.  Since first impressions have a strong impact upon us.  You as his victim will be experiencing "Cognitive Dissonance" and be confused at the behaviour which doesn't match his words, so you will settle with what you already believe about him i.e he's an upstanding citizen.   You won't see his 'naughtyness' as his real character because for the majority of the time he will be known and seen as an up standing model citizen.  The "I don't care" however IS his character it is who he is inside out and he really does not care one iota about you or anyone else other than himself.   This is perhaps the 'why' majority of people find it difficult to 'believe' victims of abuse since what they are presented with is a victim who is dithery, anxious, upset, depressed maybe suffering a mental illness shouting out loud.  Pitted against a cool calm and calculated person, who you going to believe?  Someone who you have never seen put a foot wrong in public against a person who is known to have a turbulent history or who is seen as someone who makes up stories or has been spurned?   See why you may have been chosen as a source for his manpulation? 

On the face of it who you going to believe?   There are however two sides to every coin! 

Always be open and interested to both sides of the coin!

 Love The Way You Lie

Rage & Anger Narc's show victims anger often this is another way he controls you and evokes your angst.   It will be your fault of course as he flies into a narcissist rage because you will have 'injured' him, known as a ˜narcissistic injury' and 'Narcissistic rage. He may even tell you, you've injured him it won't make sense to you because you may have said something he didn't like; or questioned him and you won't know what you have 'supposed' to have done.  But s/he feels at risk of being exposed. One of his biggest fears is the world will see his real self and he will be rejected and abandoned the very things he does repeatedly to you.  He doesn't have the capacity to turn his anger or rage into assertiveness which is the 'why' he is passive aggressive; he can't find the middle ground. When he's passive he feels vulnerable and victimised from his original injury in childhood and shamed and ashamed.  When he's aggressive he feels powerful and in control.  You however feel scared of what you see and it is the direct opposite of Mr nice guy.  If the rage doesn't work, he will pour on the pity party as he uses some of his past genuine hurt, its perhaps easier to believe what they say.  Since it's difficult to argue with someone who was adopted, lost a loved one in an accident or was the victim of an alcoholic parent when you haven't experienced any of these in your lifetime.  Or if you have your deep emotional feelings will be evoked and cause you pain on top of what is projected and transferred, whilst feeding into your trauma bond, deepening the bond with this particular Narc.  Its all about patterns of behaviour for both you and the Narc both bouncing off one another, these patterns will go on forever until someone steps of the merry-go-round and it isn't going to be the NArc because he is incapable of doing so he has a personality disorder that can't be fixed!  Its not his fault but neither is it yours, you can't help him so help yourself! 


Strangers On The Shore

Devalue  - There are no words to describe the pain as the Narc devalues and discards you.  Everything he once offerered is now withdrawn as the core of his cruelty is projected and spit out at you. This is a very painful time for the victim the path you have been walking is full of eggshells and splinters from all the other times he has devalued and discarded you.  He will use sarcasm, anger, gaslighting, smear campaignes to discredit and devalue your worth.  As you are  presented with a venomous snake, where once you were friends and lovers now you are the Narcs arch enemy and you won't have changed a thing.  Someone you thought you knew is now a stranger.  It doesn't matter what you do or say, don't do or say you are dammed if you do and dammed if you don't.  Whatever you do or say will be used against you as he 'justifies' his behaviour as he turns into the opposite of what you know him to be.  

You can heal! 

 Discard - will use your most painful emotional and psychological hurts, those things he supported you in the past with and you wholeheartedly shared with him.  He will be heaping guilt, shame, evoking any and everything he can to cause you distress.  S/he will be triangulating you with another supply to evoke jealousy in you using the wife, the husband, the partner, a new supply or an old supply he's hoovering back in.  The third person may not be a another love but a relative, mother, father, sibling, child whilst he's creating competition and jealousy in all the others he will be sat back basking in the 'fight' over him.  He will discard you like an old sock which stinks and is full of holes.  He won't look back to you until he wants something from you.  Or this may be the final discard and he will never contact you again.  You're not sure if you're going insane at this point! But be clear You are not he has manipulated you to thinking its all your fault and to blame.  Relationships are made up of two halves so the most anyone can be to blame for if blame is to be apportioned is 50% nothing less nothing more! However in a relalationship with a Narc, whilst you play your part by staying in the relationship and tolerating his behaviour, be clear in the relationship with a Narc it is always 100% me me me as he deflects, projects and transfers his original injury, his hurts, pain, guilt and shame outwards towards anyone who will absorb it so he doesn't have to deal with it because he can't tolerate any hurt or pain at all.  So ' here you have it' is his motto.

Be clear you are, were and always will be a means to an end. 

The Narcissists means the Narcissist end

Your Voice Matters
You Matter!

You can heal! 


Love like This

Be clear the Narc is creating fear, uncertainty and dependency, knocking you off balance, evoking anxiety this has nothing to do with 'love' and everthing to do with the needs of the Narc.  Sadly all this negative destructive behaviour will wear the most patient person down.  When it comes to getting his needs met the Narc has the patience of a saint and he is playing the long game until he discards you for the last time and he will if you're not married to him.   Eventually this can lead to a˜ nervous breakdown and/or suicidal ideation .  If you've been around Narcissists all your life you may have or had a tendency to have a desire for death or wish you were dead BUT Be clear the Narc will have ˜drove" you to this anxious mess by his twisting, turning, ignoring, intermittent silent treatment, stonewalling, reward and punishment, gaslighting, idolize, trauma bonding, levelling, devalue and discard.  The walls of your boundaries will now be keeping you inside yourself asking, longing for his love it won't come, because he is taking the greatest pleasure from your pain and suffering.  He will kick you when you are down to evoke the maximum suffering so he gets the maximum pleasure from your crying, confusion, illness and the more you are ill or distressed he will step up the manipulation to create the fear of his abandonment and/or abandon you when you need him or her the most.  S/he is contemptuous and arrogant in their attempt to minimalize your self-worth, worthiness and value; they dump their shame on you because they are unable to process it themselves because s/he can't own it so pass it like a hot potato.  Be clear you are a container for their negative feelings, thoughts and behaviour!

As the lyrics by RY X say "Let it all go ...... cause love like this won't Grow" it can't because it is not love in any shape or form, sadly whether we want to admit it to ourself or not we are addicted to the Narcissist and all which betrayal bonds and addictions offer we need to heal from.


Songs to inspire victims of Narcissist abuse

Let hope flicker in your head!

Be CLEAR - The light that will eventually guide you home is your own light because that is what you are actually seeing in the beginning its not the Narcissist, he is mirroring it to a T!  When you are feeling all those nasty negative feelings which you just can't quiet put your finger on they too will be his he will be disowning them projecting and tranfering them to you.

The good news is, you CAN heal and move forward into a happy, balanced and peaceful life without a Narcissist involved.

Contact me today to discuss your needs

Jess Glynne -
Don't Be So Hard On yourself

The Narc's overall sound is


The Great Pretender

You are not!

contact for support to heal

I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor

Meghan Trainor - No

Picture are taken from Pixabay and can be found

Susan Stubbings Doncaster