"You are talking to a man who has laughed in the face of death, sneered at doom and chuckled at catastrophe!.

Wizard of OZ 

Like the dandelion clock we are strong, whole, multifaceted, vulnerable and defenceless and at the same time resilient, complete as we are in any given moment.  In that same moment a strong wind can come along and we are changed forever,
fragmented, have parts missing floating out into the Universe to find our next adventure.  Yet if you observe what remains after the gust you see a strong central stem with roots securely and firmly in the ground where
they grow anew"

The Narc is the north wind that doth blow and we are akin to the strong central stem rooted and firm in our qualities and values.  We need to get back to basics and remember who we are and grow, florish and bloom. 

The Narc hates a
strong independant
woman or man so
that is our revenge!

Shine bright
Shine strong

Susan J Stubbings 2016
The victim and being victimised
is not the same
as the victim role.  Therefore explore the role you play as a victim and you will find answers to the questions you've not yet asked!

Susan J Stubbings 2003 
Healing is a matter of perception and it is what you believe and what you take from your own perceptions.  It is your  personal perceptions which matter to you.  Be open to change, be open to all that life offers. 

Balance the negative
with the positive.
Be a person
who's glass
can be half full
half empty
be refilled
as you
choose to
fill it.

Susan J Stubbings 2016

Subtle behaviour of the Narc

Behaviours which are so subtle they are under the radar and may go unnoticed or be accepted as 'normal'

Written By Susan Stubbings May 2016
Levelling - He wants you down to his level so you are the one who explodes whilst he sits back and enjoys the show. Then he can justify himself because you're the one now being a drama queen, but he has frustrated you to the max and the inevitable 'explosion' will erupt naturally as he pushes and pushes you.   Levelling is a glib manipulation tactic on the Narcs behalf so he can avoid responsibility, it is also a technique  which helps the Narc 'feel' he has some sort of value and beliefs and their values are equal in their statue and character but they are not and never can be!  They are often contemptuous and disregard others values whilst also at the same time  'pretending' to own them.

Sarcasm - The lowest form of wit some would say.  Sarcasm can be used as a defence mechanism for the Narc since it deflects the intense emotions away from their core self onto the person being attacked.  The distain is actually about their own self but its to damaging for them to accept their distain of themselves so out it gets thrown as it goes like a yo yo up and down and out towards you. Sarcasm is also another way to convey contempt for the other person whilst subtly silently mocking and sneering them inwardly.
Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse
Borrowing without asking - He borrows all your values, beliefs, dreams and wishes, none of what he mirrors back to you belongs to him.  He is incapable of owning a moral compass and needs to copy exactly from others to appear normal he never pays you back but expects the highest of standard from you those standards that would make one perfect; of course no one is or can be the task is impossible.  But he expects the impossible from you and offers the improbable from him, do as I say not as I do!  He sets you up to fail.

Commitment Phobic - Narcissist fear real intimacy and when they do get too close they fear they will be engulfed and sent to oblivion as such their behaviour will result in you getting devalued because they can't have what you have and the silent treatment with ensue so they can  withdraw and put distance between you.  Of course the silent treatment will follow because you've had an arguement that has you to blame because the Narc needs to justify his withdrawal from you he can't hold the repsonsbility for himself so he blames you and doing so justifys his withdrawal and silent treatment.

Pretending -  The Narc is the greatest pretender of them all, akin to the great OZ in the Wizard of OZ, I've always had an affinity with this film now I know why.   The Narc  will act all naive, or as if they don't know what they are doing, all innocent and childlike.  They do not have any real feelings of their own other than shame so when they say they feel guilty, sorry for something they have been caught out doing, upset etc. they don't mean it since they can't feel that particular emotion, so how can they be remorseful, really sorry or be guilty?   They feel entitled and they are always right in their mind no matter how you point out they are not, they are unable to see their behaviour is wrong, if you complained about someone else doing to you what they do to you they can see how bad that behaviour is, they will more than likely protect you from that 'bad seed'.   Unfortunately they can't see how their own behaviour impacts upon you or others when they do the same things.  It won't matter how many times you point out their behaviour if they and you can get past the narcisistic injury they will experience because they will see you as  criticising, judging, pulling them down, nagging and a whole host of other negatives, they are unable to see their own mistakes and as such can't change them!

Word salad - Sometime the response to a conversation you've just had on email or text sent is totally mismatched to what you conveyed.   The Narc is playing you like a game of scrabble, they usually are not saying anything at all of value what they are doing is keeping you in their 'zone' keeping you preoccupied so you don't have the time or inclination to see what is really going on.  Your mind is kept busy so your thoughts are spinning trying to work out what he meant or trying to find some sense of what has been said.  When you think you've worked something out he will start discussing it again as if for the first time and the subsequent conversations on the subject will not even be acknowledge so you doubt yourself once again and question him 'didn't we have a conversation about this not so long ago and you said?  What ever you concluded in the conversation he will now believe the opposite to what was said before or he swears you've never ever discussed this topic before.  So here you are again questioning your own sanity to see what he's really doing.   This is known as circular conversations and also consists of the following.  

Manipulates through threats 'I'l leave you if you, I'll kill myself if you, or reverse psychology and say's I'm not suicidal if that's what you're asking  You didn't ask or even think about that but now you start to think and ponder on the thought,  Another thing to worry about in the main though this is all about him focusing your thoughts on something which may not happen but he wants your thoughts tied up in him.   All manipulation to keep you 'there' thinking and worrying about him!

Walking on eggshells  You don't know what to say or do a lot of the time especially if he's had a Narcissists rage, you don't want to upset him  but yet he upsets you all the time!  Or you avoid doing or saying things because it's easier not to do or say because you don't want the fallout from your saying or doing.  Either way he's won he's manipulated you into the person he wants not the person you want to be.  He wants you insecure and is always breaking down your confidence to ensure you are there for him when he wants you.  He wants you dependant on him without a mind of your own because this suits him to pick you up and drop you when it suits him.

Explaining You find yourself explaining yourself why you believe what you believe and explaining  basic human emotions how they work, what they are such as empathy, kindness, human dignities.  I concluded with one of my Narcs that they just didnt use their skills with me and I could see, sense and felt it was just with me, with everyone else they were this kind, empathic, generous person.  So I concluded it was me that was all wrong this was the cause on my cognitive dissonance, my self-doubting and my questioning my sanity, worth and human value.  Its subtle and it stinks to high hell and back, I used to think am I going out of my mind?  Questioning if I couldn't be understood by this significant person in my life I must be all wrong, stupid and defective.  Being understood by this significant person to me was crucial to my well-being at the time HE KNEW THIS and used it against me time and time again.  How wrong could I have been!  Eventually I discovered I didn't need to be understood by anyone 'just me'.  We become our own worst enemy and he feeds us so we stay this way because it suits his poisonous agenda of us being there for him and all our energy being used for his sick pleasures.

Dogma  He will in the beginning take and use all your values, beliefs, and personal moral qualities to lovebomb and idolised you and when it suits him he will turn all these against you and tell you it's not good to ˜know' when we know we are closed!  He will withdraw all he said to you and twist your values, belief's and 'truths' and tell you they are absolutes and 'dogma' you shouldn't think in this way 'the world according to Susan' I hear several of my Narcs saying as I type.  BUT we all live in the world according to our own values, beliefs and personal moral qualities if we didn't we would all live in chaos with no real structure or qualities to our living!  See the resemblance to the Narcs world since we have values, beliefs and personal moral qualities we have some sort of stability and foundation from which to reach out into the world, explore, review, reflect, develop and grow.  The Narc doesn't!  So he's 'levelling' the playing field but he's not raising up to your level he's bringing you down to his at every opportunity he has. 

Eternal Victim The Narc not you or anyone else will be the victim it doesn't matter you may have experienced and/or shared in the same trauma as them their experience however will be worse then yours.  It won't matter that they cheat, lie, twist and turn, it will be them who they see as the victim especially if you point out any of their bad behaviour. They may say 'well at least I didn't' or 'well its been said  what we don't like in ourselves we often see in another, so glad you are able to see the negative in yourself as well as the good'.  Meaning that you are the one projecting onto them.  They are aiming to make you believe it is you and not them by blaming you rather than owning the bad behaviour they are very good at turning things round onto you so they exonerate themselves at all times.  They are not Narcissistic you are! If all else fails they will commence using their real and genuine traumas in their life so you will 'feel sorry' for them remember it's all about them not you, so they are the real and only victims in life.  No one is as traumatised as them no one else who has suffered a trauma is on the same level of traumatisation as they are, they believe they are hurt the most and no one can feel as hurt as them!

Competition The Narc needs to be right at all times, the Narc needs to win at all times otherwise they can't be right!  They are in pepetual competition in all area's of their living.  They  will accuse you of what they are actually doing to you, seeing someone else, having sex with someone else, having an affair, telling you, you are the one who is jealous of them, you are a liar, you are the one who is mistaken, mad, crazy, confused, they are not bashful they will use everything they can think of to provoke a reaction so you can then be blamed.  He will use your past history and tell you, you're the one who doesn't like men, when he's a Misogynist (hater of woman)   and you're the one who is argumentative.  They will be cool, calm and collected but patronising and condescending.  Focus and remember it's perfectly normal to react defensively when you are being accused of something you've not even thought of let alone done.  THEY KNOW THIS and they initiate the argument so they can suck up our misery and pain and you will be the only one apologising and making promises to change and make amends.  All the while he is gaining great pleasure from all your efforts because your attention is on him not you, he uses these conversations like a competition and one he must win at all costs.  He does win because he's set you up to fail evertime and him to win!  Its very clever when you sit and think about it like a clockwork precise machine with all pistons firing at the same time.   But at the same time it is very painful for the receiver.

Shirk responsibility​ - they cannot take responsibility for anything they say or do.  It will always be your fault, the neighbors, the children’s, the work colleague the cat or the dog, anybody but themselves.  It will be your fault you are hurt by them because you are not 'clever' enough to ‘see' them for what they actually are, therefore you will have put yourself in this position and left yourself open to being hurt by them.  As such the Narcissist can't be blamed can they it’s not their responsibility for what you do is it!  The Narc will more than likely say something along the lines of "how are you going to choose to feel today" the ultimate arrogance and contempt of you.  You on the other hand are so busy thinking to yourself I don't 'chose' how I'm going to feel, so attention is taken away once again from the Narc as you feel confused, self-doubting and upset, because no one does actually choose their feelings,   Feelings are evoked by a stimulus which the Narc is very happy to provide and blame you when they have deliberately hurt you.  They’ll tell you; you shouldn’t feel that way or need for that matter, they imply your needs are wrong and in all cases your needs will be subservient to theirs.   Remember Narc’s can’t feel love so they have no concept of what loving someone is, however they do know how to hurt, manipulate and cause confusion they are masters at it.  We can however choose what to do with our feelings once evoked, with time and effort we can become emotionally intelligent, something the Narc can and won't ever achieve!

They Lie

What do you know when a Narc is lying?  Evertime they open their mouths.  Full stop.
Don't beleive a word they say because it will always be a lie.

Acceptance - The thing he wants and craves the most in his world is to be accepted for who he is and all his behaviour will reflect this.  To you or I his behaviour is as opposite as a person can get to being accepted, deeply accepted by another because all he does is creates drama, upset and pain for others which drives them further and further away from him or her.  Once you have discovered you are in love with a Narcissist you can choose to stop playing their games, stop feeding his ego with your whole self and get some distance between you, find your own answers to what made you stay, heal, grow and develop. Build your self-esteem, confidence, resiliency and self-efficacy.  Once you have regained your balance and autonomy practice congruence and you will be able to offer the person you thought you loved, the acceptance they so crave with depth empathy, compassion and real love.  The sad thing is though he won't want it or you still because you will now  be an independent and strong woman or man  the opposite of what he, she needs to feed their ego. So you will become boring to them like a dead mouse and be seen as exiting as a grey rock  so they will pass you over for someone who is more enthralling .......       just like you used to be in the beginning!

 Offer and hold that real love, empathy and compassion anyway for them as you wish them well on their life journey.  As  you travel forward onto your Path Of Peace and find the love you also have always craved.  Its out there! 

Yet perhaps you've always had it all along and didn't know!!!!!!!  

To your magnificent mental wealth always
Susan Stubbings Doncaster